RealGM

• “Grape Nuts: I’ve bought Grape Nuts. I’ve tried Grape Nuts. I open the box, put it in the bowl, no grapes, no nuts. What’s the story? Can you call things anything you want now? Sell a quart of milk, just print ‘shoes’ on the side of it? People pour it on their socks: ‘Hey! This isn’t shoes!’”

• “When you buy socks, they always come on a tiny hanger. Does anybody have a tiny sock closet to hang them up?”

• “When you go to see the doctor, they don’t just let you see the doctor. You must first wait in the waiting room. There’s no chance of not waiting. That’s the name of the room!”

• “What amazes me about the newspaper is that somehow, every day, no matter what goes on in the world, it exactly fits the number of pages they’re using in the paper that day. How does that always work out?”

• “The original idea of coffee was a ten-minute break in the middle of eight hours of work. We’re now drinking eight hours of coffee doing ten minutes of work!”

• “Did you ever go to a big party, go in the bathroom, flush the toilet, and the water starts coming up? This is the most frightening moment in the life of a human being.”

• “What the hell is dry-cleaning fluid? There’s no dry fluids.”

• “The other thing I wonder about in hotels is how do they get the Kleenex to come out of the bathroom walls? Do they put those boxes in there when the building is built? When they’re all used up, do they have to break down the wall, put in a new box? It’s a lot of work for the flush-fit appearance.”

• “How come talk-show hosts never have any idea how much time they have? They’re always looking off-camera: ‘Do we have time for this? How are we doing on time? Are we out of time?’ It’s your own show!”

• “I love cars. It’s my favorite physical object. I don’t know why I think this. My only theory is when you’re driving, you’re outside and you’re inside. You’re moving and you’re completely still all at the same time!”

• “I hate clothes. I hate the selecting, the trying on, the conversing with the sales help. There’s another oxymoron: sales help.”

• “When I finish with my cereal, I put the bowl away with the spoon in it. Why go to a separate drawer to get a spoon every morning?”

• “Sometimes you think you need milk, so you get milk, but it turns out you had milk, and now you’ve got way too much milk! That’s not good either. Now it’s a race against the clock with the expiration date. Now you’re eating giant punch bowls of cereal, three meals a day. You’re washing your face with milk. Bringing cats in from all over the neighborhood.”

• “My friend just had a baby. Lot of pressure to see this baby. ‘You have got to see the baby. When are you coming over to see the baby? See the baby! See the baby!’ Nobody ever wants you to come over and see their grandfather!”

• “Five-hour energy drink. You ever see that little bottle by the cash register? Five hours. Five hours is a weird amount of time. Who’s working one to six?”

• “Why does coffee always come from these made-up places like Arabica? Where is that? Near Jamoca Almond Fudge?”

• “Have you noticed that women write out a lot more checks than men? … The checkbook is the one thing in their purse they can find immediately. Most difficult thing for women to find in their purse? Keys!”

• “Do the stores at the airport have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world? Or do they just feel they have their own little country out there and they can charge anything they want? ‘You want a tuna sandwich? It’s $28. If you don’t like it, go back to your own country.’”