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Isiah: East Is A Beast
10th March, 2008 - 7:23 pm

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By Buster Gunning

Isiah Thomas may have screwed the New York Knicks up beyond repair in recent years, but he has always maintained that he holds himself accountable for what goes down in the Big Apple.

The Knicks, 18-45 heading into a battle with the Mavericks on Monday night, are near the bottom of the Eastern Conference. Only four teams in the entire league have a lower winning percentage than New York (Seattle, Memphis, Minnesota, and Miami), but Isiah remains positive heading into the final month of the season.

“We definitely have a shot to climb into the playoff picture before the season is over,” Isiah admitted in a private interview with me on Monday morning. “We are only like nine games out of the final spot with nineteen games left on the docket. I didn’t go to many of my mathematics classes at Indiana, but I think the odds are in our favor. I mean, nineteen is a lot more than nine.”

When asked if he thought the Knicks would have a better shot at qualifying for the postseason with Stephon Marbury in the lineup, Thomas said, “Stephon is a great player, but we all know I rule the roost. Right now I’m more comfortable with Fred Jones handling the ball than having to put Starbury on the floor.”

Marbury, who has career averages of 19.9 points and 7.9 assists, has been banished to the basement of Madison Square Garden for the better part of the season. The personal issues between Marbury and Thomas are no secret, but as usual, Zeke dodged questions regarding his point guard in favor of less-interesting topics.

After listening to Isiah construct sentences using only the words fundamentals, skills, promise, next and season, I moved onto the hot topic of the extremely competitive Western Conference.

“Honestly, I think the East is tougher than the West this season,” Thomas deadpanned.

“Look at the standings,” he added. “There are four teams in the West that have twenty wins or fewer. Meanwhile, the East has just two teams that are that bad. The level of basketball being playing east of the Mississippi is clearly better.”

Shocked at his comment, the only response I could muster was that his Knicks happened to be one of the two teams that have less than twenty wins in the East.

“That’s just a result of playing in this conference,” Isiah fired back. “Boston and Detroit have the two best records in the entire League. Having to play them often has really hurt our record this season. If you put us [the Knicks] in the West, we’re definitely among the best teams.”

Almost giving up at this point, I presented my final stand to the Hall of Famer. “Have you taken a look at the standings lately? It’s very possible that ten teams could finish the season with fifty wins in the West. The freakin’ Clippers would be in contention for the eighth seed in the East. Are you sure you guys would be better off in the West?” I asked.

Never showing even a bead of sweat, Zeke smiled and replied, “It's science. With the Celtics and Pistons hogging all the wins in our conference, it’s impossible for us to win every game, let alone one out of every three. The East is a beast this season. The Kevin Garnett trade really fortified the competition over here.”

After spending a few minutes with Isiah it’s clear that this man knows exactly what he is doing in New York. Once the Western Conference starts playing up to the same level as the superior East, the Knicks will be the talk of the League.

If you don’t believe Isiah, just do some studying – math and science would help.


The preceding article is a piece of satirical fiction.
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